Hey Ecuador, walk down the hallway and turn right at the second door…go down all the way. Yup, keep going. See the exit sign? Yea, go out that door…lock the door behind you too. Thanks!
This was a huge win for USMNT. To close out a win like this you need to dig deep. You have to reach down to the most animalistic depths of your soul to hang on to a lead like that. For that reason instead of grades I will assign spirit animals to our boys this week.
Kyle Beckerman – Police Horse
He entered the game in the 74′ and I don’t remember what the hell he did. All I know is that when he’s on the pitch I feel safe. When you come in for the only guy on the team that seems confident in winning this thing (Clint Dempsey) that is not an easy feat.
If I am in a crowded space where there are a lot of crazy drunk guys around and I see a police horse sniffing his hoof like nothings wrong or holding his head up like the regal beast he is…I feel like it’s going to be ok.
Someone get Beckerman a carrot…probably one in his mane somewhere.
Alejandro Bedoya – Blue Footed Boobie Bird
The only explanation for missing that goal is that he has has some type of avian-drop-foot situation. He is also on the verge of extinction in regards to my patience. Has a very sleepy face that makes me nervous as well. There is just something awkward about him.
Matt Besler – Mosquito
He filled in for Yedlin and made himself enough of a pest to be effective.
Steve Birnbaum – Basilisk Lizard (Jesus Lizard)
He came on in stoppage and the gamed ended. It all happened so fast. I don’t know what happened.
Michael Bradley – Turkey
Ok Michael quit playing around! You are an American treasure buddy. We are friends, but if you keep playing like this you’re going to have 3 lbs. of “Stove Top” shoved up your ass. He’s running around the field in fear that he is going to wake up next to some mash potatoes and candied yams! He made some unbelievably bad passes back towards our goal.
I need more raptor and less fowl please. Settle down.
John Brooks – Great Dane
Excuse me are you going somewhere? Who do you know? I am sorry this is my house and if you go any further I will bite your god damn head off. Now go run along so I can snuggle with my family on a couch even though I am too big. They let me up there anyways because I am their beloved protector…thanks…Woof.
Geoff Cameron – Salmon
Google Search: “animals with determination”
Geoff Cameron reminds me of my Senior Quote, “Only dead fish swim with the stream.”
I feel like he has his eyes on the prize right now and is completely on board with our next player/animal spirit.
He made nice passes and seemed to be sticking with the program and most importantly he did not make any noteworthy errors.
When I look at him quick he reminds me of Graziano Pellè so I trick myself into thinking we have this world class Italian player. It’s like waking up to the sprinklers and thinking its a rain storm, so soothing.
Clint Dempsey – A Crazy Horse
He may not be galloping around Churchill Downs anymore, but the wagon is hitched and you better hold on tight! There are only 2 stops on this hay ride…Copa America Final or Heaven. Oh, Fabian and Jermaine are you German or American? Figure it out! You are being led by an American! He had one assist and one goal. This team is on his back and he knows it! Hey Clint…Hows ya hoof?
Brad Guzan – Mockingbird
Brad is doing his best Tim Howard impression, god love him. Much like the Mockingbird they try to do their best impersonation but they are just slightly off.
Also, have you ever been attacked by one of these things? I have. I was moving out of my house in Mineola,NY and I guess when you’re near their nesting site they fly around and strafe you. I ran so fast into Dow Avenue and I am not sure how I didn’t get hit by a car.
They don’t peck you or scratch you they just get into a threatening position. Very Brad Guzan.
Fabian Johnson – Ostrich
He just finds a away to stick to players and he makes it look so effortless. He glides with a certain degree of elegance and dare I say poise? He covers a lot of ground and you can’t shake him.
Best thing Germany has given us since the twisted pretzel.
Jermaine Jones – Kangaroo
Jermaine Jones went to push someones face away and decided to make a fist at the last minute…boom, Red Card.
Making the fist killed him because there was no velocity behind the arm motion…much like a kangaroo. It was all show and even more stupidity.
Not like we will need you against Argentina or anything…thanks.
Jermaine if somehow we get to the final and you pull that nonsense I am going to cover your mouth and place Joachim Löw’s finger tips under your nose.
Bobby Wood – Panda
I have never seen a player spend more time rolling around on his ass, but he is lovable as hell nonetheless. I would like to see him try to keep the ball close to his body. He thinks he can run around people but they just angle him of the ball and he tumbles like Ling Ling…its brutal to watch.
Graham Zusi – Orca
The Juicy Zusi has to be an aquatic animal right? Oh he looks friendly and might even let you ride on his back for a bit. If defenders give him space…instant predator. Coming on late in the match they basically kept him in his tank.
Give the man a mackerel though, we love him.
USA will play the winner of the Argentina vs. Venezuela game on Tuesday, June 21st at 9pm.
Teaser: If Argentina beats the Venezuelan Baseball team on Saturday, June 18th at 7pm we will need to play like Greek-Roman Gods…could Pulisic be Apollo?
Hey Apollo…your balls are showing