We’ve all been there. You’re drunk in a foreign country with only 10 dollars and a fiery burning desire for a lower back tattoo. Next weekend when you’re in that dire situation, we’ve got you covered, because there’s only one tattoo you should be shakily drawing on the back of a bag of Doritos: “PULISIC”. Now obviously it’s got to be all-caps and should ideally be in some epic font like “Comic Sans,” but do you even know why you should be getting this tattoo? We’ll get there.
Here’s the more pressing question everyone wants to know, does Pulisic himself have a tattoo? Here’s your answer: Yes, and it is very hard to tell what it is but I’ve scoured the internet and found some shots of it.
we think it’s either a scorpion, crab, turkey drawn using your hand as a guide, or the Rolex logo. What do you think? Is it even a tattoo? It kind of looks different in the two shots. Pulisic, the people want to know, what is going on there?
Regardless of what you think, here’s why you should go ahead and get yourself a tattoo of Pulisic. The guy is sick at soccer and we break it down here:
1. He’s 17 but is already being called the “American Messi”
Only completely ludicrous or ironic people are making these types of statements, but there’s some inkling of truth to be pulled from it. Let’s go over some numbers. At 17 years old he’s already gotten 9 appearances and 2 goals in the Bundesliga for German powerhouse Borussia Dortmund becoming the fourth youngest player to score in the Bundesliga, youngest non-German. He’s already scored 3 goals in 8 appearances for the USMNT, becoming the youngest player ever to start a World Cup Qualifier (WCQ), youngest to score two goals in a USMNT game, youngest to score in a WCQ, and youngest to score in a USMNT game period. He’s young, he scores, get used to it. He also has worn the number “10” like Messi, and he is a slight fellow at only 5’8″ much like that other very excellent soccer star. He also has black hair, is a human, and lives currently. The resemblance is UNCANNY. Here’s a sampling of the comparisons
Ok. Cool stuff peeps.
2. He’s got a bit of an edge, just like Bon Jovi, and you know you don’t regret that Bon Jovi tattoo
Pulisic doesn’t shy away from greatness. Here’s a quote which basically sums it up:
I’ve said it. I’m sick of people saying, “He’s only 17.” It doesn’t really matter to me. I feel like I can make an impact. That’s it.
I love that. F*ck these h8ters sk8r BOI! His edge kind of ends there and that’s OK by me. In that same interview he talks about listening to Bieber (no shame in this, that “Sorry” song was great and you know it), getting pranked by Geoff Cameron which he found “annoying,” being afraid to retaliate, and hanging with his fam during break. Not exactly ‘bad boy’ stuff, but enough for me to think he’s gonna grow into a driven, solid dude, who will occasionally drop a bomb quote about how he was hanging with his boys jamming out to Biebs when suddenly he realized he’s the man and everyone should RESPECT that.
3. Pulisic is a maniac on the pitch
Here’s some recent examples:
— FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) September 7, 2016
This meg and cross-field switch by Pulisic was the bee’s knees https://t.co/mdv7bwru8Q
— Rob Usry (@RobUsry) September 7, 2016
— FourFourTwo USA (@FourFourTwoUSA) September 7, 2016
^he was trying to do that, obviously.
— JetsettersFlyin™ ✈️ (@JetSettersFlyIn) September 2, 2016
And here’s a somewhat hilarious German montage of a ton of Borussia Dortmund highlights. I love how this video starts off with some club beats, stats, and Pulisic lumbering around the pitch injured and clearly tired. Good job, guys.
4. This tweet. Stay Humble, Pulisic:
Goal: Jozy Altidore
Assist (and what an assist it was): Christian Pulisic 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/SXe7LDUFwC
— Bleacher Report UK (@br_uk) September 7, 2016
I mean, c’mon. This poor kid has got to be like “WTF” sometimes.
5. A Pulisic tattoo will only GAIN value
The guy is just getting started on his career, and barring any unforeseen circumstances, he’s going to be crushing it for the USMNT for a long time. He’s fast, he’s skilled on the ball, he can get to space when he needs to, he’s smart at picking out passes and he’ll only get better, and his name looks good in black ink with some swirly sh*t going on around it on your lower back. You truly can’t go wrong.