The Portland Timbers are looking to end their 2016 pre-season on a high note on Saturday.  They take on the Chicago fire in the final game of the Timbers pre-season. Last I checked, they have been all over the place offensively in the ramp-up to the regular season, so for the love of Joey’s saw can they get it together in the land of fancy roasted beans?

Let’s quickly run down the pre-season so far and compare each game to coffee:

  • Feb 3: Timbers 1-1 Houston Dynamo – First team players were okay, but the only goal came from a slip-up by Houston’s Beasley. Bench players in second half were, um, not good.
    • Standing in line at Stumptown, guy in front of you says “mocha latte light with a little whip extra shot of espresso but please no froth. Name is Marpus” but then he drops five bucks on the ground and you keep it because that guy sucked
  • Feb 6: Timbers 2-1 Seattle Sounders – First team players looked rough but didn’t concede (or score) a goal, bench players came in second half and were super fly.
    • Your hippy cousin introduces you to some Kenyan blend that knocks your socks off but then you forget the name when you get home and your cousin is off the grid so there goes that.
  • Feb 11: Timbers 1-0 Real Salt Lake – Melano scored in the first 30 seconds and the first team played a solid defensive effort. Nagbe got back in action after some tippy tappy with the US team. Second team didn’t give up a goal in the second half so there ya go.
    • You stop in Coava, get your fav house roast, get on your fixed-gear, take a long velvety sip, and then crash into a pedestrian because your eyes were closed.
  • Feb 21: Timbers 4-0 Minnesota FC (NASL team) – not an MLS team but hey some goals. But yeah not an MLS team, soooooo, who cares.
    • You crush four Kuerig cups of DONUT SHOP and then crank out sixteen episodes of The Walking Dead. Seemed productive, really wasn’t.
  • Feb 24: Timbers 0-2 Vancouver Whitecaps FC – Timbers played the bench while the Whitecaps played a mix of regulars, vets, bench.  The Timbers bench though is going to be an important part of the season and this wasn’t exactly the best showing.
    • Woke up at a McCafe. No memory of how you got there. Order a large iced and roll to work at Stumptown.

So what’s the common theme here? A lack of offense with a Columbian roast of defense. Let’s hope for more consistency going forward, Timbers.


“I CAN’T HEAAAAR YOUUUUUU” – Timber Joey recognizing the dangers of using a saw near his ears repeatedly


Nagbe practicing his motorcycle turns and soccer at the same time. He’s a treasure.