Welcome to the inaugural edition of the Real Soccer Expert’s weekly soccer review. Each week I will be recapping some recent MLS events and perhaps some other musings relating to the soccer world. Before we begin on our journey together, I’d like to formally introduce myself:

  • My full name is Real Soccer Expert, but you can call me Real SE. Like Real Salt Lake, but realer.
  • I am a massive supporter of the MLS and root for whichever team strikes me in the moment. I decided, in 2015, that I would watch the MLS for the first time. I. Haven’t. Looked. Back.
  • I have my body and brain massaged weekly, through my scalp of course, by a large man who I pay very handsomely. Sometimes he squeezes my head so hard I say the word “melon” involuntarily. All this squeezing helps me give you top notch analysis. Sometimes I feel like I’m being juiced.
  • I don’t like to talk money, but let’s just put it this way, I don’t even know how it works.

Now that we’ve been properly introduced, let’s dig right into a couple of the past week’s MLS events. In the future I’ll be covering more, but honestly I’ve had a few champagnes and I’m ready for a squeeze from my mansseuse.

NYCFC questions Portland’s deforestation agenda and David Villa scores a goal in our hearts

I’m not quite sure the environmental impact each Portland goal has on the oxygen levels in the Pacific Northwest, but I’m pretty sure it’s resulted in the natural suffocation of at least one bear.  The entire state of North Dakota, currently treeless, could be fully covered in conifers by 2018 if Portland abandoned their tree-slicing ritual. That being said, it’s quite a bit of fun by the Timbers. Who doesn’t love a giant, disgustingly sweaty, overdressed, unionized forest-monger.

Due to the low oxygen levels in the stadium at the time of kickoff, NYCFC, which practices in one of those cryotherapy stadiums, had the advantage. David Villa was running all over the pitch like he was looking for the manager at the local Whole Foods to complain about the olive selection. A moment of panic and desperation we all can relate to. In the end, a beautiful piece of art by TomKat MacTruckmara put the Blue shirts ahead. The spin he put on that curling booger was scientifically proven to result in Jake Gleeson’s denunciation of gravity. 

Kei Kamara is not from Ohio anymore

The biggest swindling to happen to the great state of Ohio since Abe Lincoln declared the state uninhabitable. Apparently Kei and Higuain did not like eachother and someone might have been mean so that means ruin your franchise’s attack forever!? Kamara scored 22 goals last year. How many did Higuain score? 8. They don’t play the same position and Higauin did have 9 assists, but, let’s be real…he’s going bald. Is that the kind of guy you want telling rookies and parents of rookies how to comb their hair in the locker room. I don’t know that much about locker room behavior but I know one thing and it’s that men talk a lot about their dandruff. Higuain has no business in that conversation. 

I apologize but I have to cut it off there as I’m just tired of having to dictate this to my assistant. Until next week, Chow.