Hey it’s Hoff. Clearly you’re here because you heard about the unbelievably amazing score prediction I put forth last weekend for Seattle vs Portland, and you’ve probably forgiven me for egregiously missing the other two games I previewed. I’m here to tell you one thing, you’re in for a real treat. We’ve got another Seattle vs Portland matchup, and by golly I’m gonna nail this sucker. The other two games? Doesn’t matter, because I’ll always have Seattle vs Portland. Dice is gonna grade my weekend previews and for that we are grateful, but there’s one class I’ve never failed, and it’s taught by the professor himself, Doctor Clint Dempsey. “Seattle vs Portland 201: Intro to Oxen runs

As always there’s a bunch of good games this weekend, so here’s a couple of quick hitters on some games I’m not gonna preview:

  • NYCFC plays Orlando in Orlando. Pretty sure it should be illegal to play soccer in Florida during August, but hey that’s MLS. I’m guaranteeing ONE #OopsieBumble this game. NYCFC pull it out by Villa flipping his hair sweat into Kaka’s eyes.
  • Houston at home against FC Dallas. The battle of the two worst weather cities in America. This field will probably look like a Brazilian diving pool. both teams lose. local lifeguards win.
  • DC United home vs Chicago. I hear this game and I hear a classic duel between two power houses. Sorry, I meant power outages. The Stadium will probably lose power, because it’s at RFK stadium and that place is a sh*thole.
  • NYRB vs NE Revolution. You almost wonder how these two teams have sorted out their strategies for tomorrow. The Revs are in a tailspin of Tom Brady nightmares, and the Red Bulls can’t hold a lead if it was taped to Mike Grella’s shins. I think this game goes like this: NYRB goes up 3 goals in the first half, blow the lead in the second half, but pull it out with a Sacha Kljestan free kick followed by frantic mustache twirling. Also, if the Revs aren’t flying into LaGuardia someone at the NYRB office should lose their job.

Ok time for some ‘deeper’ previews:

Real Salt Lake vs Colorado – 8pm EST – Friday August 26 – UniMas / MLS Live

Pope_Julius_II or...Gashi?

Why you so sad, Gashi?

This is a legitimate huge game. Both teams are vying for top spots in the west, both teams have beaten eachother already this year (both 1-0 games, both times the home team won), both teams want the precious Rocky Mountain Cup. Real Salt Lake is undefeated in 12 home games this year, but Colorado has Tim Howard and a bishop from the 1400’s. Sorry, I mean Shkelzen Gashi, I always get him confused with this guy. Regardless if Gashi is a time traveling soccer-monk, this game is massive and I think we’re going to see a full on goalie show. Two of the best MLS goalies ever (Timmy H and Nick Rimando of “save face, or face save?” fame) go head to head against two offenses that have been a bit stagnant as of late.

Score prediction: 1-1. These teams are too good to let up a ton of goals, especially in a massively important game in a familiar location for both teams. Also, these goalies are no daisy picking weird kids that get stuck in net because they’d be a medical liability for the others out in the field. These are world-class keepers backed by very solid defenses. Gashi Goal. Plata Goal. Kevin Doyle does something awesome.

Toronto FC vs Montreal Impact – 7:30pm EST – Saturday August 27 – MLS Live / RDS Canada

Now THIS is rivalry week. Two cities that hate eachother’s friendly, socially progressive, healthcare provided GUTS. Last time they met in Montreal, and Giovinco had a goal on either side of the half leading TFC to a 2-0 win. Since then TFC have really hit their stride, undefeated in their last 6 games with Gio back on fire and Jozy Altidore playing some of the best ball of his life with 4 goals and an assist in the last 5 games. Montreal just lost 3-0 to CHICAGO at home and have literally never won on the road at Toronto. Not looking too good. That being said, Didier Drogba and Nacho Piatti are completely sick at soccer and could turn a game on its head on an instant. THAT being said, Toronto is crushing life right now, so…

Score prediction: 3-1 Toronto. Gio and fam are way too good right now to be stopped, but Didier Drogba gets one off a setpiece.

Portland vs Seattle – 5pm EST – Sunday August 28 – ESPN

Primetime action for the Bean Roaster’s Cup. This is obviously a massive rivalry, and they obviously just played each other last week, and I obviously got that score prediction correct, so what’s the obvious outcome of this game? to call Don Garber and protest having back to back weekends like this with a game in between for Seattle and not Portland. Seems wildly unfair to Seattle. Speaking of unfair, did you click on that link up top (Intro to Oxen runs) and watch Jordan Morris just dominate those dudes last weekend. Things are starting to heat up for the youngster, and for all the goals he’s missed (which are a lot), he has 8 goals this year! That’s a ridiculous mark for a rookie for an entire season let alone with 1/3rd of the season left to play. Even though Portland’s at home, and their fans put on a straight up impressive display, I can’t see Portland winning this game. They’re decimated in the back four, with only Ridgewell making it to this point in the season from the original four. Their midfield, though controlled by the very skilled Diego Valeri, has lacked a lot of mastery of the domain, losing the ball and allowing other teams to get on fast breaks.

Score prediction: 2-1 Portland doesn’t have too much going their way recently so I think they’ll get back on track here, but till lose to Seattle 2-1. Morris/Dempsey and Nico Lodeiro are all playing lights out, and with Portland’s soft defense and recent knowledge of the squad based on last week’s game, I’m going with Seattle here.