April 3, 2016: MLS Week 5

Orlando City 4-1 Portland Timbers

“Hey, Brock, I hate to be a bother, but my sumatra roast tastes watered down and salty.” A lot of sad baristas in Portland tonight. The Timbers flew down to Orlando for the first time in club history and it’s probably the last time they’ll be back voluntarily. Portland’s injuries on the backline combined with Kaka being back in the Orlando Squad equals disaster for lumberjacks everywhere. I think Kaka was pretty excited about playing again. 2 assists and 1 goal isn’t a bad season debut.  Here’s some quick highlights for ya to cherish if you’re from anywhere other than Portland.

  • lots of absolute body slams through the first 7 minutes. absolute favorite though was Jack Barmby’s first play in the MLS…

  • Here was some more early match Barmbyshires



  • And that was quick. a pitch perfect free kick from Kaka finds Orlando’s Seb Hines and he blasts the header past Kwarasey with ease. Kaka just getting warmed up.
  • Kaka had a chance to double the lead in the 23 minute but Kwarasey made a nice diving stop. Don’t worry, Kaka, it’ll be ok.
  • Bad news for ORL fans, Cyle Larin, rookie of the year 2015 and 3 goal man so far this year subbed off after picking up an apparent hammy/quad injury in the ’24
  • Brek Shea had an absolutely sick goal after comboing with Kaka on the left hand side. Kaka with two assists. Shea ripped that ball like he was trying to sneak open poly-o string cheese while Mom wasn’t looking. Just grip it and rip it and dip the cheese stick in the feed hole and run.


  • Fanendo Adi missed a much needed penalty for the Timbers when Orlando keeper Joe Bendik guessed correctly and pushed it wide. Right after that Valeri had a clear opportunity on net but it was deflected wide by Redding for a corner. Rough first half for the Timbers. The trend would continue.


  • Oh baby. The Kaka show continued shortly after half with the man himself getting on the board. Kwarasey really should have saved this. His save attempt looked like me trying to reach the remote when I’ve got a plate full of nachos on my lap.
  • My boy Jack McInerney got subbed in for Adi but I was hoping he’d get subbed in for Asprilla to see what Adi and Jack could do up top.
  • Orlando’s Molino got the first goal of his MLS career when he was taken down in the box by Chara. Normally Kaka would take the penalty but he gave it to Molino who struck it left from the penalty spot, and although Kwarasey guessed correctly, the ball had too much sass and blew past the keeper. Good moment if you’re a fan of friendship, love, and the movie Rudy. And you’re not from Portland.
  • In a not surprising twist, McInerney poaches a goal big time in the dying minutes of the game in what was the least beautiful soccer of all time. This was the soccer equivalent of a that season in Friends when Joey and Rachel date. Abominable.

Ugly game from Portland and Orlando City SC stays unbeaten on the season. Sorry Timbers fans, that was rough