I’m not a law guy so correct me if I’m wrong but this blog post is serving as my subpoena: Jordan we’ll need your alibi for the time between your last two games. We have reason to believe you’ve had performance enhancing motion-control algorithms and up to four solid-state gyroscopes implanted into your spinal region. Understandably reading this accusation for the first time, one’s initial reaction might be what? Aren’t you just describing the technology behind the ground breaking transportation device called a segway? Yes that’s exactly what I’m describing. Other working theories are Jordan somehow got himself into whatever the next pilot program is that Elon Musk is launching for brain-computer neural lace interface technology or that he got his hands on an early iPhone 7 release.

If you’re somehow still unclear where this is going, we here at HotFooty have actually developed a proprietary Jordan Morris balance and stability metric. Please see below.

In just a few short weeks Jordan has managed to go from this:

A -9 reading on the JMoSmooth metric (also known as JMomentary Blindness).

To this:

The header is a thing of beauty. He looked like a 737 coming in for approach on a clear autumn day full flaps, landing gear down and Captain Sully at the helm.

As well as this:

What was that graceful cheetah in the open fields grazing at will with a wounded gazelle in sight, sun glistening off the golden fur. This is speed Keanu Reeves would be proud of.


This Tuesday With Morris: the subpoena has been issued, your move Jordan.