It’s 4th of July eve and it’s time to bring back Soccer Mascot Monday. It is the time of year that we collectively drop our political differences (which is much needed), get outside and watch things explode. Unfortunately for D.C. United their chances of making the playoffs are fading away as they gently fall like those weeping willow fireworks (the best firework). Fortunately their mascot continues to soar despite the clubs struggles and that is why this mascot is also our nations mascot.
Team: D.C. United
Town: Washington D.C., UNITED STATES!
Home: RFK Stadium (Capacity: 45,596)
Current Position: Last place in the East (as of 7/3/17)
Key Features: Gigantic Talons, Sharp Beak and Human Eyebrows
The D.C. United website lists Talon as 6’6 wingspan and size 22 shoes. Arsene Wenger’s wingspan is 6’3…take that France. The size 22 talon is actually a hinderance to Talon’s performance. A gigantic talon may be nice when swooping down on a muskrat but as you will see in the video below he spends a lot of time with the trainers.
Did you watch the end of the video when he dances to Uptown Funk? The 22’s don’t help with his ability to dance. He is all upper body. The best thing someone with clumsy legs can do on the dance floor is keep it high and tight. When tall clumsy guys start trying to bend up and down or kick the legs a bit, its a god damn disaster.
Talon can also ball! He beat National’s mascot Screech in a hoops shootout.
D.C. United loves their Mascot huh? They give him a full welcome reception after winning a shootout and they award him a trip to Disney for winning? He receives full fitness and medical training as if he were Steve Birnbaum.
Happy 4th Everyone!