MLS Power Rankings Week 7 are in the books, and once again the Colorado Rapids have whipped their medical marijuana dosing, trail guiding, bike welding, fan base into a steady, pulsing, introspective, frenzy. This may be a mass generalization of their fans, but weed is legal there, so jokes are easy.  Real Salt Lake has also proven just about everyone except for the producers of Dancing with the Stars wrong as Joao Plata continues to lead the team in their undefeated season and conga line. #PlataSchoolOfDance is going to happen. The New York teams continue their plunge to the bottom as both seem more likely to get a cab at 4pm than post a win right now. Lots to talk about so let’s get right into it.

  1. FC Dallas (+1): Started off a bit shaky on defense with some very open play in the back which eventually led to SKC going up a goal. After an absolute blunder by the SKC defense the game was tied and then the live wire that is Fabian Castillo and the rest of the FCD offense asserted themselves and looked extremely decisive going forward. Mauro Rosales hit a beaut of a free kick taking aim right at the short arse in the wall. Welcome back to the top FC Dallas, dont mess with Texas.
  2. Real Salt Lake (+1): Some pretty heroic defending in this one and there wasn’t much to separate the teams other than some moments of individual skill. Plata was great once again but there’s a new Comisario in town. I now have a new player in the running for my top spot in the MLS and this is none other than Juan Manuel “Burrito” Martinez. Watch this space with these two running the show up top.
  3. Sporting Kansas City (-2): Very good showing against our top ranked team and the squad with the best record in the league. Went ahead in the game but couldn’t hold on similar to if you tried to grab onto Julie Stewart Binks’ game pants. Couldn’t resist changing into to fly fishing trip gear a little early. Lastly, Matt Besler get your head out of your ass please we need the best Besler in USMNT colors for this summer.
  4. Montreal Impact (–): A couple of special individual moments from Drogba and Piatti got them their goals. The Montreal back line taking a page out of the Matt Besler book of defending in the build up to the only goal they let up. The goose had Cabrera feelin loose. With the win they are now sitting alone at the top of the Eastern Conference with 12 points.
  5. LA Galaxy (–): The Galaxy played this game with the exact amount of pomp you’d expect out of an LA team. So many goals, a few Hollywood balls from Stevie G, lots of yelling and celebrating. This had Oscar’s night buzz written all over it.
  6. Colorado Rapids (+3): Great week for Colorado with two wins over a currently great team and a formerly great team. Jermaine Jones scored and assisted in Snow Bowl 2016 in his first appearance of the season. And earlier in the week despite some late #TimmyJitters from MacMath the Rapids swiftly made haste of pacey SKC.
  7. San Jose ‘Quakes (-1): Not what you’d call a great defensive showing from San Jose. On the second goal it looked like they executed a perfect “disperse” drill like when a homeless guy walks toward your group on a subway car at rush hour. Scored on a PK after a open forest bear tackle from Borchers. Such a Wondolowski way to take a PK running up one million miles an hour and passing it down the middle. Too little too late Wondo.
  8. Toronto FC (+2): Pedal to the medal came out firing with a 1st minute goal. The remaining 89 minutes were basically a waiting game to figure out if this foreign, numb feeling called being in the lead would last. The Toronto defense now solidifying themselves as one of the best in the league with only 5 goals against.
  9. Philadelphia Union (-2): The roller coaster ride continues with this team. Some plain awful defending, especially on the first goal for Seattle. Still have a decent goals against record and that mainly comes down to the outstanding play from goalie Andre Blake who had another exquisite game.
  10. Orlando City FC (-2): Perhaps one of the most MLS matches in the history of the MLS. A very questionable penalty awarded after 12 seconds (not the Onion), an endless supply of post goal field bedazzling, TWO controversial goals AFTER the 91st minute neither of which should have counted, and Baldorama Toledo taking center stage.This will be the game they show when MLS finally crumbles and business schools are doing a case study on what went wrong. Orlando should be upset they didn’t win this game, but not because of the penalty given at the end.
  11. Portland Timbers (–): I’ll tell you what, Portland has a spicy little player in Lucas Melano. He’ll need to keep his form going if Nat Borchers is going to continue treating opposing forwards like they’re the last conifer in sight for miles and he’s got a craving to satisfy. The 8 minutes of extra time provided enough time for an utterly insane decision from Valeri who tee’d off into Anibal Godoy’s face. Yet another example of the MLS being the Sean Connery in this Celebrity Jeopardy of world soccer leagues. Nonetheless a good result for Portland who desperately need a good run after a less than stellar start to the season.
  12. Seattle Sounders (+2): Much better overall performance from Seattle this week against a fiery Union team. Jmo Smooth scored his first goal and everyone promptly lost their minds over it. There were some other bright moments of good, instinctive play from Jmo Smooth but I still maintain he is way too technically erratic to be trusted with being the main goal scorer for this team.
  13. NE Revolution (-1): It is hard to comment on the game itself, but the meat in this absurd sandwich was pretty even play between the teams and probably a fair result overall. The Revs still with only 1 win and 1 loss on the season making them our current draw masters of the young season.
  14. DC United (-1): As noted in Episode 3 of the HotFooty podcast this DC team is wholly unpredictable right now. This week they decided to head down to the local Fedex Kinko’s and perforate some edges on their non-color copies.
  15. Vancouver Whitecaps (–): A very decent performance from Vancouver against a fairly potent offensive team in RSL. The boys from up north are just floundering around near the bottom of the table without much to hold onto right now.
  16. Columbus Crew (+4): Welcome to the show Columbus. First win of the season, barely. Finished their chances nicely but almost gave it up at the end. Another stunning piece of officiating sending off the wrong man in this one after a somewhat questionable penalty late in the game.
  17. Chicago Fire (+1): Defense finally gave in after 4.5 games without giving up a goal. The buzzsaw that is the Montreal Impact will do that to a team. Great goal from Ogboananike dropping one in from Jupiter in the first half. Love to see guys taking chances on shots like those but the team has only scored 6 goals now, maybe put a heightened focus on some higher probability opportunities.
  18. Houston Dynamo (-1): Another MLS game another goal within 1 minute of play. Unfortunately for the Dynamo their defense isn’t quite up to the task of holding a lead, ever.
  19. NYCFC (-3): When a team used to playing in the outfield finds itself on a properly sized soccer field they’re going to run into some problems. The amount of wide open spaces in the NYCFC defense was alarming. Serious question: was Vieira’s pre-match talk to go out and personify your favorite Dixie Chicks song?
  20. New York Red Bulls (-1): Not much to say here. They scored a goal in the snow. Baby steps.