Ahoy, its the MLS Week 6 Power Rankings. If you’re saying to yourself that something feels off this week you are correct. There were exactly zero red cards handed out, and if you add to the fact DC United won 4-0 you’ve got yourself the old MLS black swan. I have no doubt in my mind the MLS referees got together, took some advice from outside counsel, read our comments on the ridiculous calls from last week, and decided there would have to be a capital offense committed on the field that would hold up in federal court in order to see red this week. De Jong was close, but the attorney’s were probably already drawing up the “shin guard” defense strategy. You can at least appreciate the ref’s decision to keep us guessing. And without freddy adu, here are the rankings:

  1. Sporting Kansas City (+1):  After some suspect play from Melia last week the guy shut down the instagram feed and SHOWED up this week. A definite case of SKC having a plan and executing it decently well. They ceded possession and gave up 21 shots throughout the game but managed to convert 2 of their 7 shots and come away with victory. Well played all around.
  2. FC Dallas (-1): Showed a bit of defensive vulnerability but looked great overall. Dominated possession and shots and rode the momentum of the equalizer in the 60th minute to generate several more chances that would have won them the game.
  3. Real Salt Lake (+2): They call this home and away matchup against the Colorado Rapids the “Rocky Mountain Cup”. If I know anything about the MLS then this has nothing to do with geography and everything to do with the jar of rocky mountain oysters the loser eats. As for this game it came down to a great performance from Rimando and another Plata goal which was celebrated by his best impression of a velociraptor doing the thriller dance
  4. Montreal Impact (–): The Impact continue to look dangerous in attack with Piatti leading the way. Had a couple “turf bounces” go their way but by far the dominant team
  5. LA Galaxy (-2): Mike Magee had some decent touches in the game and continues to be their most consistent player. LA just simply not good enough in front of goal to get the job done. The de Jong tackle was a true leg breaker. This is unfortunately the type of garbage that comes with the rest of his talents.
  6. San Jose ‘Quakes (+3): Gave away two points with an own goal which was the athletic equivalent of calling your mother-in-law fat when you meant to say fantastic. It looked like Victor Bernardez was trying to take a poorly timed bite out of his kneecap
  7. Philadelphia Union (+9): Sapong with a classic Sapong goal. Man of the match clearly goes to the keeper Andre Blake for putting on an outrageous display to keep Orlando from tying the game. You’re also going to want to watch this game winner in the 90th minute probably one of the best free kicks you’ll ever see
  8. Orlando City FC (–): ROUGH start to the game. Rafael Ramos approached that clearance like he was kicking a white hot lava asteroid from the Geminid shower. That was a ball that was tough but not hot lava tough. 40 minutes later after some back and forth there was a magnificent touch (no chance he meant it) from Winter and a decent finish to tie it up. Some outstanding goalkeeping kept Orlando from coming away with any points  which they probably deserved as this game was very even.
  9. Colorado Rapids (+1): By now there is no more evidence needed to confirm the case of #TimmyJitters that Zac MacMath has come down with. You just don’t make decisions like the one he did without the TJ’s
  10. Toronto FC (-3): Toronto have now played 5 away games in a row with 3 left before they are able to return home. You can see the air coming out of them game by game. Toronto’s season is like a lunch lady in elementary school who started out telling every kid to only take 1 chocolate milk, she starts strong and confident and willing to reprimand anyone that doesn’t listen. Then the constant berating from little Johnny two-milks and the general carton sneaking habits of these tiny hooligans wears on her. She begins to look the other way, unable to muster up the courage to handle the insubordination. Eventually she just starts throwing chocolate milks at anyone who wants them. The thing is this behavior has the potential to devolve into a state of manic intimidation where the kids become afraid of her and don’t even want one milk anymore. I see Toronto reaching this level soon to quite soon.
  11. Portland Timbers (-5): Hot Adi strikes again, out of nowhere. Portland approached this game very well but like we always say, sometimes your heavily bearded defender executes a perfect diving header into your own goal and you only come away with a draw.
  12. NE Revolution (+6): A moment of controversy kept the Revs from winning this game but they should take more from it from a mental standpoint. They held their own against a pre-season favorite and had an 8-1 advantage for shots on target. They clearly had a gameplan to allow TFC to have possession and it almost worked out beautifully
  13. DC United (+7): All aboard the DC United rollercoaster. This could have easily been 6 or 7 goals for DC in this game I don’t have a single explanation for it.
  14. Seattle Sounders (+1): Somehow pulled out a draw here, scoring on the last kick of the match while the referee had the whistle in his mouth for 20 seconds. The english language doesn’t have a word for this type of fortunate gift plopped onto Seattle’s laps
  15. Vancouver Whitecaps (-4): Had half the possession in the game and were out shot 25 to 7 overall and 14 to 1 shots on target. Typically speaking this is a poor approach to a soccer game. After a string of 3 good results they will be chalking this one up in the gut punch column.
  16. NYCFC (-4): the NYCFC left fielder David Villa had several chances that were well taken but couldn’t get one to drop. Faint cries of “where is Poku” sung to Frere Jacques could be heard around the stadium before he was subbed in late. NYCFC were certainly the more dangerous team and this is yet another disappointing result.
  17. Houston Dynamo (-4): I still don’t really know what happened on Houston’s goal but I think it may have been a designed play aka the Annexation of Houston Texas. Either way the finish was a beautiful looping strand of tagliatelle. And to describe the goal they gave up you’d have to seek out a chunk of mayo thats been overexposed to the sun
  18. Chicago Fire (+1): Should they feel they got a goal disallowed incorrectly? Yes probably. Did they also almost give up a Tommy McNamara bicycle kick goal? The answer is yes and therefore the golden rule of atrocity for atrocity has been invoked.
  19. New York Red Bulls (-5): The NYRB are having a recurring nightmare start to the season having only scored in 1 out of 5 games so far. Here are their results: 0-2, 0-3, 4-3, 0-1, 0-2. You guys think scoring a couple will help? Maybe just try it out lets see how it goes. Its provocative I know but here at HotFooty we pride ourselves on logic and reason.
  20. Columbus Crew (-3): The defense was in shambles all match long and they couldn’t handle in any way shape or form the counter attack from Montreal. The Crew need someone in their crew to have a Paulie Walnuts moment and hijack a truck full of TVs to get this season started