Here we go another round of MLS played and another round of MLS Power Rankings from HotFooty. The MLS continues to be among the top contenders for most absurd league in our observable universe. Here you go, enjoy:

  1. FC Dallas (+3): Lots of shots, lots of shots off target. This team however, continues to look dangerous in attack with Castillo, Urruti and Barrios peppering posts like theyre the Creste Rigate down at Carbone’s on Oak Lawn Ave. Top of the PR’s for the boys
  2. Sporting Kansas City (-1): Full marks to Feilhaber and Dwyer for re-enacting a KY Jelly wrestling match in the back of the net after the penalty. After looking dangerous early the team seemed to get discouraged after going down two. Not a great loss at home but as is always the case the Zus had me feeling loose and I still expect big things from this team.
  3. LA Galaxy (–): This was not pretty. Couldn’t capitalize after VAN went down a man on a yet another ridiculous red card. Zardes may want to check the local witchcraft forum pages to see if anyone has a hex out on him how did that ball not go in?
  4. Montreal Impact (-2): First and foremost there was an actual back pass to the goalie called in this one. Yikes. Montreal put together a few dangerous attacks but didn’t look their best and so down 2 spots they go
  5. Real Salt Lake (+5): Continuing the weekly tradition of seeing something I’ve never seen before that second goal from Luke Mulholland (?) was a stunner. SKC keeper Tim Melia looked like he had half his brain back at his house scrolling through the Barstool Smokeshow of the day reel. All in all, an impressive away victory despite being without some of their more experienced players
  6. Portland Timbers (-1): Looks like the Timbers made a stop off at the Philadelphia Union school of penalty kick techniques in their week off. Awful miss that would have had them right back in the game after going down 2-0
  7. Toronto FC (-1): Overheard at Cheyrou’s locker after the match, “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?“. Cheyrou went full bash brothers but decided to Winklevoss this thing and play both roles. What a ridiulous 2 minutes that resulted in his sending off. As for the rest of the game Giovinco had 3 free kicks that were like down and in fastballs to Joey Bats but missed all 3. A rough start for Toronto continues but they’re almost back home and under the watchful wings of Bitchy the Hawk
  8. Orlando City FC (+7): Orlando are like a rocketship in orbit that has been stuck out there with a single engine but are just now getting their boosters back online one at a time. Kaka first and Julio Baptista showing up next? Don’t let these guys get hot. Also, come on Orlando. You just going to keep bedazzling your field all season?
  9. San Jose ‘Quakes (-2): Fairly dominant performance but couldn’t get the job done. That said, tremendous goal from Adam Jahn
  10. Colorado Rapids (+6): Great bit of inventive play and technical skill shown for the goal. The Rapids are risin
  11. Vancouver Whitecaps (+2): Victim of the MLS referees watching too many Joey Crawford officiated NBA games. They LOVE showing red almost as if they don’t realize that now a player is off
  12. NYCFC (-4): no game this week but pure pants in whatever we’re calling their last match against the Revolution
  13. Houston Dynamo (-2): another squad with an off week after losing to Vancouver in their prior match
  14. New York Red Bulls (-5): If its any consolation Oliver Stone will be contacting the team to direct a 4.5 hour movie about the injustices committed during this one. At the end of the day playing on was perfectly legal but the Revolution really went full Masshole here . Word is Fagundez was overheard saying something about this being “for Nomar”. And Oliver will have plenty of ammo for a sequel after that Felipe red card holy hell that was an awful call. This was the referee equivalent of a bat flip after a monster home run
  15. Seattle Sounders (+3): DADDY’s HOME. First W on the season and no longer the Winless in Seattle. Came out hot, stayed warm. Dempsey was dancin out there, 1 weirdo free kick approach and 1 (I guess they’re giving it to him) headerish goal. Can’t believe he had the legs to make it all happen but congrats to the Sounders. And gotta say: the turf looked sublime
  16. Philadelphia Union (-4): Whoooooa Philly. How was that crash landing. Philly you know who you are? Even Steven. ‘Nova up, Union down.
  17. Columbus Crew (-3): Dare I say Columbus actually looked alive in this game? You could easily argue  they should have put the game away in the first 50 mins. And if it weren’t for a classic MLS bounce they might have held on for a great away win
  18. NE Revolution (-1): Solid win for the Revolution despite whatever controversy there may have been. You’ve got to like Agudelo giving us a sneak peak into the bag of tricks with that 40 yarder that was barely saved by Robles.
  19. Chicago Fire (+1): Chicago won a game I don’t believe it. Here’s a rough approximation of the conditions out there in the first fifteen minutes: 175 MPH winds, 1 foot of snow with 6 inches of it blowing over to Gary, Indiana
  20. DC United (-1): A very DC United performance they somehow managed a goal and then hung on like Harrison Ford out of the back of Air Force One. And that means: welcome to the basement.