MLS Power Rankings – Week 25 – We have a new team entering into the steel caged death match that is the bottom three of the HotFooty power rankings.

  1. FC Dallas (–): There is now a Dallas shaped groove at the top of the HotFooty Power Rankings. Can cement dry in summer Dallas humidity?
  2. Real Salt Lake (+3): We always say here if you’re going to make a run at the top spot you need a guy with a top name. Meet Movsisyan. Fun to say, seems complicated but its not so mentally you can trick yourself into thinking its an accomplishment, its long enough that you sound like you’re speaking a sentence in another language. This might now be a go to when you need something to yell out when you get upset, like when a guy strikes out in the bottom of the ninth. Yell this out it sounds exotic and you look and feel good doing it.
  3. Colorado Rapids (-1): Tim Howard played the role of suspicious man in a suit over on the grassy knoll. Yea the Rapids were beat convincingly but when Timmy H does this you’re distracted, confusion ensues and now no one really remembers you lost.
  4. LA Galaxy (-1): Couldn’t beat the beaten down Whitecaps. Galaxy now winless in last 6 games. Last time a galaxy disappointed its fans this badly we all found ourselves at a klingon funeral.
  5. Toronto FC (+1): If there was an MLS equivalent of NBA jams heating up then Toronto was it before their loss to Montreal. If there is an MLS equivalent to a sheep getting derailed by a wall then their loss to Montreal was it.
  6. NYCFC (-2): Forgettable loss and now surrounded by teams in the standings. But NYCFC should do just fine operating in tight spaces.
  7. New York Red Bulls (–): No losses in 9 games thanks to a steady hand and even keeled string of performances. Quite the opposite effect if you are actually drinking Red Bulls the marketing team over there may want to look into this.
  8. Philadelphia Union (+1): One win away from being in first which is something the city of Philadelphia is more used to hearing in the context of “if you win this court case it will be the first time someone has been prosecuted for throwing snowballs at santa claus”
  9. Montreal Impact (+1): Played away in Toronto, went a man down, didn’t concede a goal and won the game. People are calling it the miracle on the ice.
  10. Sporting Kansas City (-2): Another MLS weekend another team getting two red cards in a single game. 2 reds is now treated like a mcdonalds drive thru super size request. Ya sure, super size it no big deal. Also possibly a nod to the old Starburst strategy of stuffing the bag with gross yellows and when all we really wanted was that sweet red delicious.
  11. Portland Timbers (+1): Scored 4 in the first half against Seattle. Could have been 7. What is the bigger mystery: That Portland doesn’t do this to teams more often or that people think pour over coffee is still worth it?
  12. Seattle Sounders (-1): Seattle effectively played a home and away series against Portland but apparently misinterpreted the away part as a way to further deflate their entire fanbase and probably everyone within a 25 mile radius of the city.
  13. DC United (+1): What a game against the Fire. This will be the game they show in 50 years when someone asks “what was that league called the MLS like?”
  14. Orlando City SC (+1): Hey I bet the Orlando fans would like to see a little more of this type of saka from kaka.
  15. San Jose ‘Quakes (-2): When you’re having a lot of trouble scoring goals what should you do? Well if you’re the San Jose ‘Quakes you sign a striker from Eritrea and you promptly start him. In other news, the long time GM of the ‘Quakes was fired yesterday.
  16. Vancouver Whitecaps (–): It has been a rough stretch for the Whitecaps and things like this are not making it any easier.
  17. Columbus Crew (+1): Proud of the Crew, they’re out of the bottom 3. I want to credit the Columbus Crew announcing team for their part in helping this team out of the gutter. Lot of jokes, puns, “dudes” in the booth keeping it light and just all around being solid members of the crew.
  18. NE Revolution (-1): Welcome to the wild wild west of the bottom 3 of the MLS power rankings. How did it come to this?
  19. Houston Dynamo (–): 2 games this past week and 2 squandered leads. The Dynamo are right on track
  20. Chicago Fire (–): Khaly Thiam was given a red card against DC. Some were asking what the hell was he thinking. I believe he was doing a service, innocently showing another team what its like to be a player for the Chicago Fire.