MLS Power Rankings – Week 21 – Ludicrous Stats Edition

  1. FC Dallas (+1): Dallas is now the official team of the MLS. It is simple: they are top spot in our rankings and in the standings. They also have 6 losses on the season. The cumulative score of their losses is 22-0.
  2. Colorado Rapids (-1): The 5-1 loss to NYCFC is just scary. It is the Copernican Revolution of the 2016 MLS season. What is going on out there?
  3. LA Galaxy (–): In true LA fashion a Van Damme was around to save the day. A combination of the physical dexterity shown off in Last Action Hero and Sudden Death was the only thing keeping them in this game.
  4. NYCFC (+1): Scoring 5 goals against the best defense in the league without David Villa in the lineup is like trying to keep your Roquefort fresh by putting it in a mesh sack next to the radiator overnight and it worked. NYCFC is now also the proud owner of most goals for and most goals again in the league, so
  5. Real Salt Lake (+2): Two true beautiful moments emerged from this game. For those of us that have become used to looking past the distracting mess that is Beckerman’s hair we were able to see them. If you are not one of those people, here is one and here is the other.
  6. Montreal Impact (-2): Quite simply did not deserve a single thing from this game.
  7. Philadelphia Union (-1): Fun stat in the last minute against RSL they had 18 shots on goal and did not score.
  8. Sporting Kansas City (–): After losing 7 out of 10 in the bread basket of the season SKC now sits in 5th in the overall standings. They didn’t assume the name Sporting for nothing.
  9. New York Red Bulls (–): The Red Bulls were the featured participant in the triggering of the weekly “it is impossible to figure this league out”.
  10. Toronto FC (+2): Hit same post twice in 2 seconds: record. Scored a goal from 30 yards off someone’s back: record. Jozy scored a goal in open play in the MLS: record.
  11. San Jose ‘Quakes (-1): It is CLEAR to me from Wondo’s celebration that he was reading the HotFooty Power Rankings from last week.
  12. Vancouver Whitecaps (-1): Their results heat map is a smorgasbord of slop. Battling only Orlando and Portland for unpredictability in that department.
  13. Portland Timbers (–): Jake Gleeson I believe is up for sainthood after this game for miracles rendered in the 6 yard box. Early word on his fangroup name is the Glitzy Gleesons
  14. NE Revolution (–): A Kei Kamara goal where he seemingly was the only outfield player on the field and that’s about it
  15. Orlando City SC (+1): Back to looking somewhat dangerous out there. Also, did they stop the glittering of the 18 yard box  goal celebrations? If that is true I can’t explain how against that I am.
  16. DC United (-1): That Mullins goal looked like a cartoon the way it bounced up off the grass. Like the road runner planted a trampoline near a cliff for the coyote. Birnbaum also up to his old tricks again I see.
  17. Seattle Sounders (+1): Each week I think I forget the Sounders because they’re down so low. Low would also describe their finishing percentage and the first few letters of the phonetic spelling of their new signing, who looked good.
  18. Columbus Crew (-1): So Afful they’re hitting Wahl’s with everything they try. They’re Trapp’d at the bottom here. Should do the entire team a favor and midseason relegate them so they can drive off into the sunset in their Kamara’s.
  19. Houston Dynamo (–): Listen I’m just glad they got the Dynamost they could out of this game with a point against the ‘Quakes.
  20. Chicago Fire (–): They did the right thing here by letting NYRB tie it up at the end. No telling what kind of havoc Sacha Klejistan would have wreaked, in addition to having that mustache, on the city of Chicago if they had lost.