MLS Power Rankings – Week 20 – Its a Canadian Hat-trick-off. To be clear this is hat-tricks that took place in Canada not hat-tricks by Canadians. There actually haven’t been any of those in the recorded history of any sport.

  1. Colorado Rapids (–): Haven’t lost since April 9th. Have acquired Tim Howard. Ya, they’re top of the rankings.
  2. FC Dallas (–): Excellent effort against the Colorado juggernaut but games like this make you even more suspicious of 5-0 losses to Seattle. They did score this goal though
  3. LA Galaxy (–): Bit of an underwhelming performance scoring 2 goals in 10 minutes then sitting back for 80 minutes. Positives: no assault charges for Nigel de Jong
  4. Montreal Impact (+3): In the usually hotly contested Poutine and Cheesesteak cup this time around only one platter of calorific excess was ever going to win. Drogba with the “Dirk Kuyt” hat-trick sealed this one early.
  5. NYCFC (-1): Another nasty result to their kind-of-in-state rivals. I still don’t quite know how he does it but Tommy McNamara is firing missiles into the upper 90. Scored 1 barely missed another as it got wedged into the actual 90. He’s my pick right now for the all-star game shoot the apple off a guys head skills competition.
  6. Philadelphia Union (-1): Just like FC Dallas you never know when they’ll lose by 4. That’s not a formula for HotFooty power rankings success
  7. Real Salt Lake (-1): This team needs to get into the classroom with an old school chalkboard and write on the board 1000 times “we will play through Plata more” “we will play through Plata more”…
  8. Sporting Kansas City (–): I tried to dream up an easier game than they had against Seattle and the only thing I could come up with was if at the corner of each 18 and at center circle there were spritzer stations and fresh cut up mango for their consumption.
  9. New York Red Bulls (+2): NYRB love playing to turn the city red and it also seems like they go Red Ross every time they play NYCFC. Need to bottle up that anger for the other games.
  10. San Jose ‘Quakes (-1): Decent result against RSL who still haven’t lost at home. Biggest takeaway from this game is for all the goals he has scored in his career Wondo seems to not quite know how to celebrate
  11. Vancouver Whitecaps (-1): Got sucked into a Houston Dynamo 0-0 draw vortex over the weekend you may not see this team be itself for another few weeks.
  12. Toronto FC (+1): You could feel the stadium immediately deflate after DC tied the game up. Even Bitchy the Hawk went back to the nest to hide and drop of some stadium pepperonis he swooped up earlier. Sebastian wouldn’t let that stand and sunk another free kick and provided countless oppo’s for the other boys.
  13. Portland Timbers (-1): Spent the majority of their game against LA in comeback mode and almost pulled it off. Unfortunately the hollywood script writers were on the other side of this game.
  14. NE Revolution (–): Did what they had to do against a team that was perhaps content with a draw. You don’t see that type of persistence combined with the desired result often in this league.
  15. DC United (–): Fell victim to a Sebastian Giovinco day of delight. Nothing you can do about that.
  16. Orlando City SC (+1): You could feel the effects of the Kaka bump as he was finally back on the field in the second half against Columbus. About 3-4 posts were hit in this game they could have romped it even after being down 2-0. Kaka is a clear romp inspiration.
  17. Columbus Crew (+1): No other way to put this, Columbus stinks.
  18. Seattle Sounders (-2): Game against SKC looked like one of those training offense v. defense drills where the defense isn’t really supposed to defend with tackles but just stand around.
  19. Houston Dynamo (+1): If the Houston Dynamo play to a 0-0 draw did they really even play a game?
  20. Chicago Fire (-1): I’ve got to give it to this keeper for Chicago. Bottom of the league, faces 18 shots 11 on target and he was hanging in there until the end. Only A Frank Lampard #oopsiebumble goal could get past him.