HotFooty MLS Power Rankings coming in hot like peppas and onions on ya halftime sausage. Every bite of that delicious pork plumper, snuggled up in a caring, toasted bun, will be bursting with HotFooty ranking flavor. Put down the napkin, pickup this busty meat-wagon ready for a chompin’, and take a bite.

  1. Montreal Impact (+4) – Put together another great win at the hands of the maestro Ignacio Piatti. Remember this name, because he’s the onions on your hot sausage sundae.
  2. Sporting Kansas City (+4) – They’ve put together two solid wins against teams we thought would be near the top at the beginning of the year. They also are the only team to show us that naming your club after an adjective is acceptable.
  3. Toronto FC (-1) – The little Italian wizard Giovinco continues to put on a show. Their defense was very suspect against NYCFC but showed strong meatballs to come back from down two.
  4. San Jose ‘Quakes (+9)I don’t even like how high this is for the ‘Quakes, who disturb me with their functioning poachaholic offense, but they beat the very solid Timbers who were a pre-season favorite. Rapids win doesn’t look so bad either. I’m thinking this comes back down to Earth though quicker than you can say Quincy Amarikwa
  5. Portland Timbers (-4) – They still look like a West favorite but the loss of Ridgewell is a big bummer. Oh and they lost to the ‘Quakes, awkwarddddd.
  6. LA Galaxy (-2) – Ashley Cole on the bench in the MLS? That’s like donating your old t-shirts, don’t do it.
  7. FC Dallas (-4) – Um. Not sure what to say here. That unravelled quickly.
  8. NYCFC (+3) – Pirlo looked sharp, Villa dropped a classic performance, and their defense didn’t look nearly as horrendous as week 1. Brillant still a bit much like a trembling fawn for me though. Sack up!
  9. New York Red Bulls (-1) – Have yet to score a goal this season, but once something sets loose this offense, watch out. Losses were to top teams, so not enough to totally downgrade yet.
  10. Columbus Crew (-3) – They are way too talented to be losing to the Union. They’re in a funk thicker than the ships that club founder, Christopher Columbus, sailed on his way to the great city of Ohio which he founded in 1992. Someone fact check this.
  11. Houston Dynamo (+5) – You score 5 goals against FC Dallas you go up five points in the ranking. So simple I wish more things worked this way. I do five reports at work I get five promotions.
  12. NE Revolution (-3) – Larry Bird, Nomar, Sam Adams
  13. Real Salt Lake (+4) – Preferable ways to score: headers, rocketing shots off your friends’ face and hope for a deflection golazo, have a teammate named Burrito.
  14. Vancouver Whitecaps (-4) – Some tough losses against very good teams, probably deserving of higher but too many other teams with points to consider. I see this trending back up.
  15. Orlando City FC (-1) – Another draw from an injured team, similar situation to the Whitecaps but I think more to prove before they get a boost.
  16. Seattle Sounders (-4) – You can’t just go around trying bicycle kicks all over the place and expect to move up in the rankings. Another bad loss and on a howler from the keeper too.
  17. Colorado Rapids (+1) – A win more shocking than the haircuts on this team. Just because you play for a Colorado team doesn’t mean you need to look like you just actually died on a mountain.
  18. Philadelphia Union (+2) – Mind blown. Won’t last. Don’t call it wiz or the Union will cut you. Google it.
  19. DC United (-4) – Not much going on in the capital these days.
  20. Chicago Fire (-1) – Abysmal

“Too many bicycle kicks. Penalty on everyone. Don’t look me in the eyes.”