MLS Power Rankings – Week 18 – Theme of the week: Cringeworthy displays of one-upsmanship in defensive debauchery. Top 3 spots go to NYCFC, Columbus and DC United.

  1. FC Dallas (+1): Too fast, too furious and newly crowned top of the HotFooty power rankings. When a team reaches this height they need a player that personifies the team’s ability. Well they have one who does so only using his first name: Maximiliano Urruti.
  2. Colorado Rapids (-1): The decision for a one spot bump down was not made easily. Draw against Vancouver was unfortunate with calls going against them. Kevin Doyle continues to defy physiological science with a goal and an assist. Just can’t go tying two teams in a row that you should beat while Dallas is trucking teams.
  3. LA Galaxy (–): Quality in a lot of places on the field more often than not will result in wins. They may be aged like a block of gouda but they’re also smoking teams like a block of gouda.
  4. Real Salt Lake (–): Almost chalked up another one in the L column due to Nick Rimando not using his face for saves and trying to do everything with his hands. Plata paid homage to the summer olympics with his own floor routine tumbling to draw that PK.
  5. Montreal Impact (–): Put on their best Portugal faces this week, scored early then tried to defend for 80 minutes. Almost made it too. Still trying to review the tapes to see what happened on that PK.
  6. Philadelphia Union (–): Almost secured the rare MLS hat-trick of scoring on 3 PKs – the Philly rollercoaster ride continues
  7. NYCFC (–): The ability for this team’s defense to switch from on to off is unparalleled. Two more absurd goals to add to a season tally of maybe 15
  8. Sporting Kansas City (+3): Someone in the SKC dressing room has hit the percolate button. Unbeaten in 5 with 3 wins
  9. Toronto FC (+1): Not exactly something to get fired up over but the end result of their game against Chicago was acceptable. Giovinco looks quite good out there and Hamilton is playing like he has grand ideas of displacing  a guy named Jozy.
  10. San Jose ‘Quakes (-2): Winless in 7 games is a stat that gets punished mightily in the HotFooty rankings. 4 goals in those 7 games is another stat. Stat: Chris Wondolowski is their striker.
  11. New York Red Bulls (-2): This team’s season is the definition of floundering. 4 straight wins followed by 2 draws and 2 losses
  12. Vancouver Whitecaps (–): Credit is due to sticking around in this one and being able to take advantage of a straight red card and a PK in their favor. Probably should have snuck away with all three points though so they still Whitecap’d it
  13. Portland Timbers (–): Putting together a decent string of games unbeaten in their last 7 including their latest escape act against the Red Bulls on Sunday. Old news Gleeson had a great game.
  14. NE Revolution (+2): Kamara v. Kamara and though both scored I don’t think you can say either really won this head to head battle.
  15. DC United (–): Defense took an ’85 Bears approach to their weekend matchup against Philly. 2 PKs and a red card yikes
  16. Orlando City SC (-2): Two-thirds of the possession and one-half the total shots of their opponent. Even @DannyHotFooty knows this isn’t a good ratio
  17. Seattle Sounders (–): Three rings for the elven-kings under the sky, seven for the dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, nine for mortal men doomed to die, 14 goals for the Seattle Sounders offense.
  18. Columbus Crew (–): When instituting relegation gets brought up at the next MLS board meeting they will point to this defensive play as exhibit A
  19. Houston Dynamo (–): The Houston master plan almost worked to perfection by giving up 90% of the possession and trying to sneak a goal. No room for error though when you’re Dynamost likely to be first victim of mid-season relegation
  20. Chicago Fire (–): When all is said and done on this forgotten season for the Fire let us remember who had to play in net for this team and everyone go over and give him a pat on the back.