MLS Power Rankings – Week 16 – Everyone knows when you don’t officially recognize something it might as well not have happened. Well I didn’t official recognize MLS while Copa was alive. But when the MLS train says its leaving the station again you hop on that train each and every time.

  1. Colorado Rapids (–): played LA to a 0-0 draw aka the MLS’ equivalent of the Heart of the Ocean from Titanic. Rare, sought after, but controversial. Seemingly an unmovable object at the top
  2. FC Dallas (–): smart play from Dallas. Exploited every team’s biggest weakness for the first goal, aka linesman not calling offside and invoked the ‘eh what the hell’ clause for the second with a midfield bicycle from Mauro Diaz putting Castillo through. Top of the league in the sneak category.
  3. LA Galaxy (–): the Galaxy are about to swap out a McBean for a Keane and do they ever need that. 1 goal in last 4 MLS matches
  4. Philadelphia Union (+1): like a senior citizen behind the wheel in Del Boca Vista phase 3, pretty decent at going forward but awful at going back. Played about as much defense this week as you’d see in an And1 mixtape.
  5. Real Salt Lake (+1): without opposing players having to alter their runs and take the long way around the hair of Kyle Beckerman they looked wide open in the back. Lost 2-0 to Dallas over the weekend could have been 5.
  6. San Jose ‘Quakes (-2): only one thing to be said about this game and its in our post here
  7. Montreal Impact (–): this one featured one of the most ridiculous dives of all time by Didier Drogba and the greatest lie ever told by an announcer. Drogba decided to go manic Dorothy and then the announcer drops a “boy I don’t know”. Simply stunning.
  8. New York Red Bulls (+1): it isn’t always the case that you can point blame directly at one player, but when you can you take full advantage. In the 93rd minute RBNY gave up the tying goal on some defensive prowess by Ronald Zubar that was reminiscent of the scene in Avatar when they first wake up in their blue bodies, not quite sure exactly how to move around and what exactly they’re supposed to be doing.
  9. Toronto FC (-1): rough run for Toronto but some gentlemen named Bradley and Jozy returning soon will get things percolating
  10. NYCFC (+1): Hey Franky you take em any way you can get em.
  11. Orlando City SC (+1): Baptista tries that last minute dive up in Toronto and he’d have a Bitchy the Hawk talon injury to go with his guilty conscience
  12. Vancouver Whitecaps (-2): took full advantage of Philly’s proclaimed “Week of no Defense”. Kekuta Manneh also had one of his occasional fun to watch games.
  13. Sporting Kansas City (–): the current form of SKC is a great example of hitting rock bottom and having nowhere to go but up. After a streak of 5 losses in 7 games they’re now on a 2 wins, 2 draws, and 2 losses run
  14. Portland Timbers (+1): with two goals in quick succession late in the game your first thoughts are with Joey Timber and his forearms. Did he make it out of this one ok?
  15. DC United (-1): tight finish from Lamar Neagle. Want to also recognize Alhaji Kamara for the easy with which he launched that scoring chance into orbit. Don’t think I could punt a ball that straight upward
  16. NE Revolution (–): coming off back to back wins for the first time all season they decided to subscribe to the 2 for us 1 for you mantra.
  17. Seattle Sounders (–): time for the weekly edition of: Was Jordan Morris playing beach volleyball or professional soccer? To re-acclimate Clint Dempsey to the team they’re going to sit him down, show him what happened while he was with USMNT with Kelly Clarkson’s Since You’ve Been Gone in the background and JMo Smooth sliding and/or tumbling around the 6 yard box
  18. Columbus Crew (–): If you’re looking for reasons why Columbus is awful this year, look no further than their announcer – “A fullback lead on 65 cross power trap”? Alright guys, what the hell are we doing here
  19. Houston Dynamo (–): I’m just speculating here but was the first PK so blatant and ridiculous that the ref thought it just wasn’t enough to award only one? Second penalty was soft as triple cream brie
  20. Chicago Fire (–): Not doing themselves or their fans any favors by making games close while losing.