MLS Power Rankings – Week 13 – some great goals this week from David Villa, DaMarcus Beasley and hat-tricks as plentiful as the weekend burger buns. Main event though was clearly in the Vancouver v. Houston game. Enjoy…

  1. Colorado Rapids (–): Third straight week atop the HotFooty power rankings. The overall performance against Philly was acceptable and I assume whatever costs included to replace the crossbar they ravaged will come out of goalie Zac MacMath’s paycheck.
  2. FC Dallas (–): I’ll save you the trouble of watching this one: a guy tried a diving header from 18 yards out, that’s it.
  3. LA Galaxy (–): A tale of two stunning defensive disasters, one for and one against.
  4. San Jose ‘Quakes (–): See above summary of Dallas
  5. Philadelphia Union (+2): Game against Colorado felt like the throwing snowballs at santa incident all over again. Absorbed a ton of pressure and seemed content with a draw, gave up a late goal then unleashed frozen spheres on the beloved, jolly old man to tie it up even later.
  6. Real Salt Lake (-1): Quick observation: Nick Rimando tried to use too much hand and not enough face to stop the Crew onslaught. Stick with what you know works buddy.
  7. Montreal Impact (+1): Some excellent counter-attacking moves one of which led to a goal. After Drogba miraculously snuck a 40 yard free kick by the LA keeper he completed several laps around the field, covering the exact same amount of ground he did during the game.
  8. Toronto FC (-2): If this is any indication of what life will be like without Seba and Bradley for a few weeks then things are about to get ugly in Toronto. Bitchy is officially on watch for Humbled Hawk disorder.
  9. New York Red Bulls (+1): Bradley Wright Phillips clearly had some Memorial Day plans that were kicking off a bit earlier than expected. Got his hat-trick out of the way in an MLS record breaking 27 minutes. Same goes for Veron who started his Hamptons weekend grape stomping event mid-game.
  10. Vancouver Whitecaps (-1): Well if you’re not talking about the very rarely seen referee double red card send off sass spectacular here then you’re missing out. Soak this in.
  11. NYCFC (–): David Villa providing the physical embodiment of the tenderness of the bone-in ribeye from Striphouse and simultaneously the gastrointestinal slip and slide of the $ 1.99 buttery steak burger from Checkers.
  12. Orlando City SC (–): Orlando playing the repeater this year. This last week saw their 4th and 5th 2-2 draws of the season. They’re also playing Street Fighter II: The World Warrior 
  13. Sporting Kansas City (–): Came out firing with a hot start and said ya know what we’ll go ahead and try out the double black diamond. The team hasn’t been seen since, not even a distress flare. 1 win in last 10 games.
  14. DC United (+2): Time to play Who’s That Kamara? The goalscorer in this game was Alhaji Kamara. He is 22 years old and until about a month ago he was seemingly out of soccer due to congenital heart disease. Well apparently the MLS plays it a little looser with the health and safety rules than FIFA does and he’s rocking and rolling down in DC.
  15. Portland Timbers (-1): Gleeson still in there making solid saves, glad to see he has settled in but the rest of the squad is looking a little under caffeinated
  16. NE Revolution (+1): Revs are in an interesting position tied on points with the 3 teams ahead of them and scoring a good amount of goals recently. If they can improve that defensive record, get Lee Nguyen to maintain a single hair color for the rest of the season, and get Kei Kamara (Who’s That Kamara) firing then the Revs will be in the mixer.
  17. Seattle Sounders (-2): Sound the alarms.
  18. Columbus Crew (–): Time for another round of Who’s That Kamara? This time round we’ve got a Ola Kamara who scored a hattrick for the Crew in this one. He’s most well known for trying to trick the people of Columbus into thinking nothing happened when the team traded away Kei Kamara.
  19. Houston Dynamo (–): Love seeing DaMarcus Beasley scoring goals still, legend of the US game all the way back from the U17 National team in ’99.
  20. Chicago Fire (–): I think we all know who is going if the MLS listens to me and institutes mid season relegation.