MLS Power Rankings – Week 11 – Hardest ranking yet. Nothing made sense. We’ve got Houston beating teams and the Whitecaps doubling up with 6 points on the week. There was a Kamara swap, some send-off #TimmyJitters, Drogba put a ball on the moon, and the Rapids grabbed the top spot. And around and around we go…

  1. Colorado Rapids (+1): First rule of steam trains is: steam trains don’t stop easily. No losses in 7, defense is made of bricks of titanium, Zac MacMath…is getting replaced by Timmy Howard. Not trying to get ahead of myself but this Gashi to Doyle connection might be the raffle ticket that brings home the 5 day 4 night Caribbean vacation.
  2. LA Galaxy (-1): Went into the Thunderdome called Philadelphia and came out with a 2-2 draw. I’ve seen worse results in Philly
  3. FC Dallas (+3): The boys are getting frisky in Frisco. Its nothing but Peaches and Herb on the loudspeaker in the dressing room. Reuniting with a little thing called the W.
  4. Toronto FC (-1): rude awakening for a defense that was on cruise control. Lets get Clint back in the video room watching Felix Potvin highlights. And Jozy is now just inventing new ways to pull his hamstring. This time around it was from taking and missing a PK. At this point he’s dazzling the Apple design team with his creativity. And the results are in, Giovinco got two talons up with his first goal
  5. San Jose ‘Quakes (+2): It was a win, but it was a win against the Dynamo. If this were a multiple choice test you’d skip A) great result B) OK result and go with C) indeterminable.
  6. Montreal Impact (-1): the Impact missed an opportunity to cement themselves at the top of the East, but Drogba made up for it by cementing a ball possibly through a stadium wall and into the Yukon Territory with his cannon shot in the 3rd minute. This was poise meets jackhammer meets supernova.
  7. Real Salt Lake (-3): Lost 1-0 to Houston. And thus concludes the story of your weekly 5000-1 odds bet that hit.
  8. Vancouver Whitecaps (+4): well I didn’t see this coming. 2 games, 2 wins and the second coming in a 4-3 thriller in Toronto. Plum surprised.
  9. Philadelphia Union (–): Scrapfest in front of goal as usual. Still a good result against the Sirens from LaLa land. Also drew against Montreal with a lovely little goal.
  10. NYCFC (+4): We’ve got something special happening here like when Zuckerberg took the team out to Palo Alto for the summer in Social Network. It’s all happening out here in NY and the Red Bulls are Eduardo stuck back in the useless city doing cold calls in the rain. 3 wins in a row, Tommy Mac scoring Sistine Chapel-esque goals, Pirlo smiling. What more can you ask for?
  11. Sporting Kansas City (-3): Not sure I could have mustered up the courage to commentate on this team if they hadn’t beat Orlando on Sunday. One win in last 8 games. Hey SKC, you’re scaring us.
  12. Seattle Sounders (-2): Had chances, didn’t take them. Jmo Smooth did some wobbling around the six and no goal for the Seattle Savior means the Sounders are in Flounder city.
  13. DC United (+2): Clipped the wings of the red bulls, then took those wings and flew to the promise land with Travis Worra and Patrick Nyarko co-piloting.
  14. Orlando City SC (-1): Here’s a truthful statement: Orlando were ALL over the place. They gave up 34 shots in this game (??).
  15. Portland Timbers (-4): This is now three 2-1 losses in a row and now Fanendo Adi possibly out for extended period of time. Seem to be playing way better than their results would have you believe. Naturally this leads me to believe the local Stumptown workers are on strike but then how would explain David Villa running 3 marathons around Providence Park on Sunday?
  16. NE Revolution (+1): No goal for the bad boy of the MLS in his debut but the Revs got a win nonetheless. Instead, Lee Nguyen continued his trend of scoring absolute wallopers.
  17. New York Red Bulls (-1): Low moment for the NYRB. Players openly apologizing on social media for how poor the performance was. Calling this a fall from grace does not do it justice, this is rapidly approaching a front inward tuck roll down an incline and gaining momentum from grace.
  18. Columbus Crew (–): Too busy playing Kamara swap to close out their game against the Rapids. Not a bad performance overall. This is what you call a block, you build with it. And how about the announcing on their goal against Colorado, sounded like the guy was calling a perfect landing on a back handspring during a floor routine at the ’08 Beijing summers.
  19. Houston Dynamo (–): Something may be percolating down in Houston. Last four games go L, W, L, W. Even when you’re pushing over a soda machine you have to give it a couple back and forths before it gets going.
  20. Chicago Fire (–): The Fire finally played a couple of games…but did they really?