Week 1 is in the books and the HotFooty MLS Power Rankings are ready. Our rankings are based on the team records, goals for and against, power players on the team, how much pancetta we believe the coach could eat in one sitting, what this beautiful horse thought, and many other important factors. We’ve put comments in places where we feel the need to explain ourselves, but please feel free to honor or dishonor us in the comments.

  1. Portland Timbers – Looked very solid against a good Columbus team week 1 despite losing a few of their key players from last year
  2. Toronto FC – Got a bit lucky for the win last week but overall a good team with a guy who knows how to party after a goal
  3. FC Dallas – spanked the city of brotherly love and are just generally tight all around
  4. LA Galaxy – Mike Magee, Robbie Keane, Ashley Cole, plus their talented youngsters. Was a bit hairy first half but otherwise this should be a fun team to watch this year
  5. Montreal Impact – without Drogba wasn’t sure what to expect. Should probably expect to win is what I should expect.
  6. Sporting Kansas City – Got the win over a pretty decent Seattle team that wasn’t playing that great
  7. Columbus Crew – Despite not scoring enough, they looked ok. Need to get Finlay going on the wing. Also that Higuain goal was ridiculous.
  8. NY Red Bulls – Got a bit unlucky for the win, but, hey, that’s bowling. I expect a bounce back here.
  9. NE Revolution – Boston beans, park cars, whitey bulger
  10. Vancouver Whitecaps – They just picked up a nice transfer in Andrew Jacobson from NYCFC to help with defensive mid.
  11. NYCFC – Not sure if the offense looked good because the Fire looked so bad (yes, that is why) or if they’re actually good (Ok, the McNamara/Diskerud duet looked lovely, otherwise quiet). But their defense struggled so hard it made the HotFooty feed a few times. Pirlo being on the team gives them extra points.
  12. Seattle Sounders – Looked meh plus lost Brad Evans to shoulder injury
  13. San Jose ‘Quakes – team name loses them points plus they barely beat the Rapids
  14. Orlando City SC – a lot of missing studs here but they’re bringing in a very solid international to help the midfield while Kaka is out.
  15. DC United – I think they’re confused with what just happened against the LA Magees
  16. Houston Dynamo – Not terrible
  17. Real Salt Lake – Sorry guys, but you blew it worse than basically anyone I’ve ever seen blow it giving up two goals in the last two minutes of stoppage time to draw the game. really?
  18. Colorado Rapids – still rebuilding but they almost caused a draw with the Quake-and-bakes
  19. Chicago Fire – They smoked out Brillant last week for two of their 3 goals but otherwise looked rather horrendous
  20. Philadelphia Union – Just ugly

Please let us know what you think in the comments or share on Facebook/Twitter.

“How do I get that horse to like me?” – Deep thoughts by Caleb Porter