It isn’t every day the MLS playoffs begin but when they do it is our job to make sure we get the latest info, analysis and predictions to you in a timely manner (time of writing is Wednesday, October 26th 11:45am EST). As they say the war is waged in between the lines and when it comes to you can expect guerrilla tactics and petty cliche warfare. What we’re here to do is provide a way to dip and dodge the drudge, so without freddy adu we present the Inaugural MLS Headline Interpretation Guide:

  1. Can hungry Union replicate recent result at TFC? – what now qualifies as being hungry? is it just literally possessing the articles of formation for a professional sports team? the Union may be hungry, but just how hungry are they? if their recent results are an indicator my very direct and serious advice is to buy as much stock as you can in Wawa because the Union haven’t eaten since August 27th. Final Interpretation: the Union would like to win, but then again so do Toronto. Are Toronto hungry too? Is someone not feeding Sebastian?
  2. RSL welcome return to familiar underdog role in LA – did the Cleveland Browns beat writer decide to take on some freelance work for the RSL playoff run? 6 points separate these two teams and RSL have face saving wonderman journeyman Nick Rimando in goal. If Wales taught us anything, its that the first step toward being better is thinking better (2nd steps are breed Bale’s and Ramsey’s). Final Interpretation: this is a nice way of saying you think RSL stinks but they’re OK with it. Yes, they haven’t won a game in 2 months but it only takes one to get some momentum going.
  3. Healthy and in form, Alonso fired up for playoffs – love this recipe for success. As I understand it this formula was used by Dukakis in ’88, Kanye at the VMAs in ’09, and by every contestant on this showFinal Interpretation: Osvaldo Alonso will most likely be playing in the playoffs.

When you’re out there reading headlines this MLS playoff season by sure to have this guide handy. This is the real stuff here and if you’re a writer feel free to emulate this cleverly titled, pepper shaker grammar filled numbered list of well thought out literary critiques.