I was originally going to publish this piece for the Summer Solstice to inform the public that it was time to let those rays tickle the ole melanin, but it didn’t feel right. Even though the palest of people started heading out, smeared in SPF 100 and looking like Beluga whales in hopes of becoming one shade darker, it was too soon. At HotFooty we put a lot of time into research and lab testing. using the latest science to create the CR7 Tan Scale.
Now is the right time. Time is of the essence my friends! We only have a few weeks left and for those who are fortunate enough to tan like Ronaldo it is possible to maintain your color thru mid October!
Ronaldo was recently suspended for 5 games, which gives him an extended summer, so I am excited to see how far he pushes his tan into the fall.
Out of the three members of HotFooty it is no secret that I tan up to perfection. I have been yearning for a proper scale to gauge my level of tanning quality throughout the summer.
I am going on vacation to Newport, RI this weekend, and I am leveling up for the long haul. Let’s discuss the process.
This is where it starts. This is your palest moment. You look at yourself in the mirror before going out for Valentines day and you look downright sickly. Now in the case of Ronaldo who gets to travel a bit in the winter he’s still tan. This is as bad is it gets for Ronaldo.
This is how you look when you get that first sun blast of the summer. You were eager to get out there so you skimped on the SPF. You are a little burnt. It’s not a good look but it’s a start. You need to shock the system and it’s more of a red/brown.
Big fan of CR7.3. Basically you have come back down to room temperature. This much like cooking a pork tenderloin in the oven, you pan seared it, you baked it, then you let it rest. Slice it up and enjoy culinary perfection. If you can live in this zone you are going to look fantastic wearing white. This is how most of tan America feels in the summer, just floating between CR7.2 and CR7.3. However, think of an English muffin where all the nooks are toasted brown but the crannies are still uncooked. Not perfection!
Listen CR7.4 is the first true level up. You are starting to use SPF early in the day. You are basically burn proof though, so you don’t even bother applying it post swim. Beach visits basically every weekend. If you golf without a hat this can help get you there as well. You are most likely going to see people in the CR7.4 zone in late July.
CR7.5 is basically for people who have the luxury to take a good summer vacation on the water. You need to string together multiple beach days for this. You are so tan at this point you start wearing your shirt to the beach because there is always time to get tan later. This level of tan goes deep. The tan goes so deep inside your dermis that your front tan and back tan are basically bouncing off each other and literally warming your heart. This is a drug-like high. I will most likely peak at CR7.5 by 8/22/17. Ill check in with you.
This is when things get nuts. This is Elon Musk type of risk taking. This is like when Kramer pushes the gas tank needle past E. You will see here that reaching CR7.6 requires the help of others. You can’t go this alone. Constant hydration is needed and various high cost oils need to be applied.
CR7.7 is the apex my friends. This is when you push yourself to the point of exhaustion. You are so tan that your body shuts down. You can either be tanning or sleeping. Pick one. You don’t get to go out with friends for dinner and you’re not grabbing mid-day tiki drinks at the bar. You are so committed to perfection that you shut out the world around you. Are you more important than your tan? If the answer is yes….you will never reach CR7.7.
Notice how Ronaldo uses a rolled up towel to align his hips? You think thats some sort of posturepedic remedy? Wrong! This is so your thighs tan evenly while you roast your obliques you amateurs!
If you are wondering if there is a level below CR7.1, it’s actually a whole different scale called the DXMC Pale Index