Copa America ended last night. The Euro’s are wrapping up in a couple of weeks. The emotion gradient is producing record high barometric pressure readings in the hearts and minds of the players returning to their club teams. Here’s a list of those players that will be returning to the MLS from the Copa America and EURO 2016. For some this isn’t an easy process and can be likened to that of re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere after years of being among the cosmos, orbiting all the beauty that space has to offer while floating around weightless, free from the day to day drudgery of us earthbound beings.

Tim Howard – Colorado Rapids

  • League Form: W-D-W-D
  • How does Tim feel about returning: 8/10
  • This is a tough one because Tim Howard loves the USMNT. And leaving the high tension, everything on the line feeling of a World soccer tourney is not easy, but Timmy H didn’t get into a game until they boys were knocked out. Upon his return he’s got a lot of #TimmyJitters to hand out and if its a head to head competition between him and MacMath for top spot it is hard to see how he doesn’t win out.

Robbie Keane – LA Galaxy

  • League Form: L-D-L-D-D
  • How does Robbie feel about returning: 1/10
  • Robbie Keane spotted in a White Bronco heading down the 405 seen mouthing the words “world cup 2018” to himself.

Matt Besler – Sporting KC

  • League Form: L-D-W-D
  • How does Matty feel about returning: 3/10
  • When Besler left Sporting to join the USMNT the team was, to put it lightly, on a tremendous streak of unprecedented failure. In his absence they’ve somewhat turned it around I don’t want to sit here accuse him of anything but maybe he should peruse the discount package section of the Club Med website. Team comes first.

Steve Birnbaum – DC United

  • League Form: W-L-D-W
  • How does Steve feel about returning: 10/10
  • OK, Steve. HotFooty called for his permanent ban from USMNT selection based on a single passage of play in the Argentina game. I stand by that statement because that type of nonsense doesn’t belong at the national level. But I’ll tell you where it does belong: DC United. I believe Steve will be ecstatic to be back playing for his club where his brand of “anything goes” defense may not be as frowned upon.

Kyle Beckerman – Real Salt Lake

  • League Form: L-W-D-W-L
  • How does Kyle feel about returning: 6/10
  • Kyle is returning to a classic RSL team that has some mixed results recently. The team will be glad to have him back and I think Kyle is on balance in good spirits about it especially after being debauched in that semifinal match. So if there are any former, current or future Argentinian midfielders in and around the RSL dressing room or stadium compound I would suggest laying low for a bit. – PS still can’t believe Kyle didn’t go hair first into Messi’s face in first 10 minutes to set the tone of that game.

Michael Bradley – Toronto FC

  • League Form: L-W-L
  • How does Michael feel about returning: 9/10
  • I’ve got to imagine for Bradley this Copa tournament is like the kid who constantly plays in dirt but has to get dressed up for his Communion. He cannot wait to get back to the dirt right now. If Toronto FC is smart they’ll have an optometrist appointment set with 2 to 3 other opinions on standby.

Clint Dempsey – Seattle Sounders FC

  • League Form: L-W-L-L
  • How does Clint feel about returning: 3/10
  • I feel for Clint a bit here. He’s at the age right now where its difficult swinging from event to event where different levels of emotion are inevitable. Pick out your favorite Italian restaurant then imagine being dragged out to Baskin Robbins before your champagne mango and toasted coriander ice cream dessert arrives. He just wants to sit, eat, be happy. Consistency is the name of the game for Clint right now. Only thing keeping this from a 1 ranking is he may experience second coming of christ like worship given Seattle haven’t scored a goal in about a month.

Jermaine Jones – Colorado Rapids

  • League Form: W-D-W-D
  • How does Jermaine feel about returning: 6/10
  • Jermaine was spared the direct demoralization of the Argentina game. He should have plenty of built up emotion and energy for his return to Colorado. Probably even enough to throw a full right hook instead of that gentle nudge which  got him tossed. If no punches are thrown it looks like the boys of summer are coming back in full strength and can keep the Rapids at the top.

Darlington Nagbe – Portland Timbers

  • League Form: D-W-D-W
  • How does Darlington feel about returning: 10/10
  • We’ve obtained live footage of Darlington at the conclusion of the USMNT crash out of the Copa America: here

Chris Wondolowski – San Jose ‘Quakes

  • League Form: D-L-D-D
  • Going to change this up and give my personal ranking of how happy I am Wondo is not playing for USMNT right now: 10/10

Gyasi Zardes – LA Galaxy

  • League Form: L-D-L-D-D
  • How does Gyasi feel about returning: 5/10
  • One of the few players who I believe actually learned something from the Copa America and will be better because of it. For that reason it’ll be a tough adjustment period.

Graham Zusi – Sporting KC

  • League Form: L-D-W-D
  • How does Graham feel about returning: 7/10
  • Another suspect Sporting KC player returns to a team doing much better without him. For the sake of the fans of Sporting I do hope his acute case of ball control amnesia has subsided. A 7 rating continues the trend of misfit USMNT players glad to be out of the national spotlight.

Laurent Ciman – Montreal Impact

  • League Form: W-D-D
  • How does Lauren feel about returning: 1/10
  • He may not be playing much in the Euros but god damn is he enjoying himself. Word is Montreal has an extraction team in place for the second Belgium exit.

Shkelzen Gashi – Colorado Rapids

  • League Form: W-D-W-D
  • How does Gashi feel about returning: 9/10
  • Albania did not make it through and he may or may not have been directly responsible. It’s not quite “Colombia in 1994” levels but I am sure he’ll be glad to be back at top spot Colorado.