“In a rather stunning turn of events, Arsene Wenger himself took the field today and faced the elite Barca squad 1 on 11. No one was more impressed than Theo Walcott who was quoted post match as saying, “I’ve always dreamt of the day where I didn’t need to play or even come to the matches but just sit back at home, paid like a pillow-bellied king, and watched Wenger duke it out against the greats.” Arsenal unimaginably took home the tie in dramatic fashion when Wenger biked in the winning goal from a cross from himself in the last gasp breath of stoppage time…”

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP SMACK

Ramsey lurched up from his restless sleep, bashing his head on the top bunk as he was jerked awake by the alarm. He looked across the room at the blinking clock wondering if it really was 3:30 in the very early morning. His friend and roommate, Ox, was a wicked one indeed. Aaron’s thoughts were cloudier than the moonlit London sky. “Ox, for the love of Highbury what are you doing to me? Good one though. Good bloke, really…” he reflected, simultaneously bemoaning and admiring the man in the bunk above him.

The prior week had been a long one for Aaron. He had been barely able to sleep, not just from the precocious alarm hi-jinx of his flat-mate, but the dreadful guilt he faced on a daily basis for letting down his father, Wenger. Well, not his real father, you see, but a poetic one of sorts. The one he’d always looked up to, and now, looks down upon him. Or at least so Aaron felt. It really was a tough week for poor Aaron. His thigh continued to pulse uncomfortably under the covers.

Being decidedly awake, he artfully shuffled out from under his Bergkamp bed-set and made plans for the door. A more gingerly tip-toe had never been witnessed. Always careful not to be a bother, he painstakingly inched the door open, pulling up on the knob, as that would allow the hinge to work most smoothly. “Perfect,” he breathlessly mused. The opening through which he’d soon depart would just fit his slender frame. Aaron peaked back over his shoulder. His thighs ached in the cold night as he turned. “Good. Still sleeping. Rest well, naughty fellow.” And out he went into the empty hallways of London Colney. Aaron Ramsey. Never resting. Always Awake.

-Hoff

Barcelona 3-1 Arsenal

All you have to know about this match is the following goal. Yes, Elneny had a great strike for his first Gunner goal. But this slice of melon on a warm June day is arguably the most impressive athletic achievement you’ll see in your lifespan. Well, maybe the lifespan of a rodent. The control of which this toothy human has over his bodily movements is astounding to say the least. Enjoy.